Ugly Truth #1 – My Internal Compass Is Broken

adventure-ancient-antique-697662.jpgNot my moral compass . . . and not the internal sense of direction like which way is North.

No, I’m talking about my general internal compass which helps me decide what to do next . . . or where I want to be in my life.

I have to admit that I my internal compass seemed to break when I was in a very serious accident in my 20’s.  I was riding my motorcycle when, at a stop sign, I didn’t put my bike in neutral . . . I left it in gear.  My tiny hand slipped off of the brake, hit the “gas” and I shot into the intersection.  Unfortunately, the intersection was already occupied by a truck.  I broke my left hand and my right femur.   Let me tell you that the femur is one of the hardest things to break on your body.  If you tell anyone who has any basic knowledge of anatomy that you broke your femur, they are impressed.

I spent about a year learning to walk properly (mostly) again.  And, was obviously unemployed during that time.  When I broke my femur, I think my internal compass broke as well.

Before the accident, I was self-confident, thought I knew what I wanted in life and how I would get there.  But, being 20-something and unable to even go pee by yourself will shake you to the very center of your being.  I spent weeks where any type of movement of my body required the assistance of at least one other adult.

I felt weak.  I felt that everyone was staring when they saw me with my wheelchair/walker/cane/limp.  I felt like I had lost ground.  I was angry and I was bitter.  When a friend told me she felt I was so brave for learning to walk again, I was stunned.  It wasn’t bravery.  It was necessity.  I wasn’t going to let the situation get the best of my physically.  But, I sure let it do a number on me emotionally.

And, as I said, I did learn to walk again.  Although, if the weather is severe or I’m really tired, my limp comes into play.  It’s not nearly as bad as it was.  But, people who have no idea I was in a serious accident will comment that I’m limping and ask what’s wrong.

But, maybe that wasn’t when I lost my way.  Maybe I’m just trying to pin it on a moment and that’s not the one . . . or there isn’t one.

At any rate, here I sit, understanding that I spend more time wandering around than I should at my age.

I need goals.  I mean everyone has goals, right?  But, I’m not sure that I can articulate any real goals for my life.  I certainly don’t have any written down.  And, isn’t that the first step toward achieving goals . . . writing them down?

So, after some soul searching (I use that term a lot) . . . I am going to put my goals out into the world.  Feel free to laugh at them, admire them, nod understandingly at them or shake your head in disbelief at them.  They are mine.  I am claiming them today!

    • Feel better emotionally
    • Feel better physically
    • Feel better mentally
    • Become an advocate for helping people to achieve their goals.  I’d specifically love to help other people who are bipolar.  But, supporting people doing anything to achieve whatever goals they have will do!
    • Write something!  Anything!  Starting with this blog and moving forward.  I’m not sure if it’s going to be self-help advice, non-fiction, fiction . . . I’ll work that out as I go along.  But, I’m going to write!
    • Start a whole new career from the ground up doing what I love.  Yes, the day job will have to be my source of income . . . maybe for a long time.  But, I’m going to reach the point where I can make a living doing something I feel passionate about.  Preferably in my jammies most of the time.  I’m serious!
    • Become an expert at database management.  I’ve always loved looking at statistics and analyzing how things came to be the way they are and how they can be improved upon.
    • Become fluent in American Sign Language.  This speaks to my heart.  I’m not really sure why.  But, it does.  And, I’m going to follow my heart.  Maybe it’s telling me I need ASL because it’s going to open a new career for me.  Maybe it’s just my curious brain needing a new challenge.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m doing it!

Notice how my personal goals are the least well-defined?  I think that says a lot about me.  I’m certainly not a work-a-holic, but it’s so much easier for me to envision how I will function in the world than it is to see how I will take care of and view myself personally.

Now, as I work through my Ugly Truths and journey through my path of not wandering through life, I will map out the exact destinations of my goals and how I’m going to get there.

Peace, Love & Goal-Getting!

Hoosier Barn Chick

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