I had a post that I was ready to publish today. But, something failed and, not only did it refuse to post, everything but the title disappeared.
To be honest, it was a crappy post. So, maybe someone was looking out for me by making it get eaten by cyber space.
But, even a crappy post is still a loss. I initially sighed and decided it was Life’s way of telling me I don’t have to write anything today. But, maybe it’s Life’s way of telling me to do something better?
This is the constant conversation going on in my head. Well, not this one specifically. But, I spend a lot of time wondering why I am or am not doing something. And wondering if doing it or abstaining from it is the right choice.
For instance, several years ago, I was VERY sick. The Hubby (who had only been with me a few months) took me to the local ER because I hadn’t been able to keep any food down for about a week and was having horrible abdominal pains.
I remember two real moments of that visit. The first memory is that the male nurse told me that he was going to give me something for the nausea and that the room would probably spin. As I glanced at his id badge, I thought about the fact that he had lost a lot of weight since that picture was taken. The next thought was that I thought the room would spin horizontally but it was spinning vertically.
The next moment I remember is that I opened my eyes, my hospital gown had been pulled up so that I was exposed and everyone looked relieved.
Why? Because of an unknown allergy to the anti-nausea medicine. It apparently sent me into cardiac arrest. Had The Hubby not been sitting in the room with me (and I hadn’t really cared if he came back with me), I would most likely be dead. I wasn’t hooked up to anything that monitored my vitals at that point in my visit. So, I would have lain there, no heartbeat, no respiration, until someone checked in on me. Which might have been too late. I think I’m now in a slim category of living people who have had their heart shocked (more than once) to bring them back from the brink of death.
This sent me into a tailspin. For years I wondered why I hadn’t died. Not that I thought I wanted to die, but that there had to be SOME reason why everything worked in my favor when it could have gone so wrong.
Was I destined for something else? Was it a pre-show for what would come soon? Why? What next?
Let me tell you, eventually, I just moved on. It was a near miss that I survived. Whatever the reason was, it might never be known to me. I have always felt that you go through your life in order to learn serious Life Lessons. For years I wondered what mine were. But, a few years after the incident, I came to realize that I may never know. Maybe nobody ever knows?
But, on a regular basis, I question my karma, my fate and the consequences of my choices to act or not act.
Yup, I’m totally screwed up in the head.
Peace, Love & Technology Wars
Hoosier Barn Chick